If you just got here, you can catch up from the beginning by starting with this post.
At this point in the story I was told I had HPV Throat Cancer but we still didn’t know exactly where it was coming from.
Everything happened really fast – April was a very busy month full of tests and more biopsies.
I had an appointment with the next ENT doctor on April 2nd to do a laryngoscopy. I had no idea what this was. My friend who had just gone through this procedure had to educate me. A very thin flexible tube is inserted into your nose and passed down to the back of your throat. A fiber optic cable allows the doctor to see what’s going on back there. He reassured me that it would be a simple procedure.
Can I tell you the mom guilt I felt that day?!? It was my daughter’s birthday!! I was keeping everything super low key with my girls so all I said was that I needed to have tests done and we’d celebrate later that evening. Two weeks later we also got a second bunny!!
This doctor was really nice! I had my husband come with me this time so we could hear the results together and we could both take notes. My friend gave me a bunch of questions to ask the doctor – you can get the list and read about it here. He started off by explaining that HPV is a very common sexually transmitted disease more common in the cervix area and most likely the majority of adults have it in a dormant state.
Uh…awkward!!!
I could feel my face turning beet red and I didn’t know where to look – It was such a teenage moment!
The ;laryngoscopy wasn’t painful – just a bit uncomfortable… and guess what – it didn’t show anything!! I took this as great news meaning that the tumor in the back of my throat was so tiny that it wasn’t even detectable!! So at this point I didn’t have any real answers – more testing needed to be done.
My next tests were a PET and CT scan. I remember hearing about these from my friend Jon (the friend I mention in this post) but I still didn’t know what it was. These are tests to see where the cancer was. You first get injected with a radioactive sugar solution (remember – cancer loves sugar!) to see where the activity was coming from. If there were cancer cells they’d be going after the sugar. Since it’s radioactive, once administered I was left alone in the room for almost an hour.
The test is done by laying in what looks like a big white tube. To keep my mind occupied and not focus on WHY I was there, I had a mantra that I kept repeating to myself..
“My body is clean and clear from the inside out – from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.”
I repeated that over and over in my head to keep my mind from wandering. I also counted the vent holes in the machine above my head- 88 – I took that as a good sign since my favorite number is 8. Lots of 8’s were popping up that day! 🙂 The test took about a half an hour or so during which I had to lay perfectly still.
When the test was over I tried to steer clear of people – especially pregnant women and kids so I took an extra long walk across Central Park before getting on the subway to head home.
As I sat on the subway I looked at the other passengers and thought how odd everything was. Do I tell the guy next to me that I had cancer, I’m radioactive and I spent the afternoon laying in a tube?? I wondered – what secret was everyone else hiding about their own lives?
My followup appointment revealed that there was indeed a tiny tumor at the very far back of my tongue. At this point I could start to feel something in the back of my throat when I swallowed. If you’ve ever eaten an apple and the skin gets caught in your throat – that’s what it felt like. Not a big deal but just something I became aware of.
To determine what kind of treatment I needed – surgery, radiation, chemo or a combination, I needed another surgical biopsy – this time on the tumor in the back of my tongue.
The purpose of this surgical biopsy was two fold – to confirm that the tumor was indeed HPV and to see if it was operable. Since this biopsy was more extensive that the previous one and I was going to have more anesthesia, I needed to have a pre op appointment which included blood testing and more paperwork a week before the procedure. A week later I was back in the hospital ready for the biopsy. The results came back confirming both – HPV and yes, operable. The next operation was scheduled for May 4th.
Before May 4th I needed to meet with the speech pathologist and clinical study team that I was taking part in for testing, more blood work and of course more paperwork! This was so they could have a baseline to compare to afterwards.
In between all of these appointments and preparing for surgery, life was still going on! Passover, Easter, Spring Break, flying to Austin for a family wedding, getting a second bunny, photo shoots and other client work, as well as helping with and attending Jon’s Celebration of Life Party. April was a whirlwind!! My head is spinning just thinking about it!
Having to deal with Jon’s death and my own cancer diagnosis simultaneously felt surreal. How was this happening at the same time? Because I felt I needed to be really protective of my mindset and energy level, I made it a priority to focus on positivity and wellness which meant I never allowed myself to FULLY grieve over his loss. I had to keep it together for ME which was a really hard thing to do. It felt selfish and uncomfortable. I also couldn’t confide in his wife Nancy – one of my closest friends because she was going through so much at the time. It was so strange not to tell her about a major thing going on but I felt like it was the right thing to do. I actually chose only to tell a handful of people – none of which were my girls or even my mom!
Throwing Everything At It
I was doing everything I needed to do on the medical side of things but for me that wasn’t enough – especially after seeing what Jon went through. I decided to throw everything at it – no matter how bizarre it sounded. My health issues in the previous months had all been in the neck and throat region (infected tooth, cough, tumors on my neck and back of tongue) so I did a lot of research both medically and holistically on what could be the cause and what to do about it.
- I had a reike session for the first time
- I had a neck and back massage.
- I bought a healing crystal
- I made changes to my diet and started researching more about food and the affects on our bodies
- I read Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life along with other more metaphysical type books and did the suggested writing exercises
- I went to bed earlier and exercised more frequently
- I stopped stressing over the little things
- I journaled and released as much as I could about any anger or resentful feelings I had.
- I listened to George Lopez’s stand up comedy every day – laughter is the best medicine!
- I started sketching – it was my form of meditation
- I listened to inspirational audios about healing
- During Passover I put a red ribbon around the outside of our door to signify “death passing over” our home. (it’s still there!)
- I had a chakra reading – This was, and still is so new to me!
- I got a second opinion all throughout
- I ONLY focused on WELLNESS!!
Keeping a positive mindset was of utmost importance to me (and still is) so I put a lot of effort in that area. Although it may seem like there was a lot going on, I was really positive and calm during this time and actually excited about all that I was learning. It felt very empowering! I highly suggest starting a mindset practice NOW and not wait until it’s an emergency. I’m so grateful I started years ago – it really prepped me for this time in my life when I really needed it.
Let’s move on to the surgery…
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